Have you ever reported to someone who made your job more challenging than it needed to be or was just plain difficult? Someone who oversaw communication… but didn’t communicate? Or was responsible for inclusion… but wanted to control everything and shut out diverse perspectives? Or have you ever been blindsided during your annual performance review?
Unfortunately, this situation is an equal opportunity employer. Swap out the field for any other and you have leaders in engineering who rose through the ranks without a solid foundation in technical expertise. Leaders in charge of education who have never spent hours planning lessons or a day in the classroom. The list goes on, and sadly… far too many of us have experienced this at some point during our careers.
Yes, and. If you haven’t yet, that’s awesome, but the reality is… it’s only a matter of time.
It’s one of leadership’s great ironies, and one of the hardest things early-career professionals (or anyone, really) will face.
I’ve been there. Sadly, more than once.
Three Stories from the Trenches
1. When a communicator fails to communicate
Once, early in my career, I worked with a smart but insecure leader who hoarded information like it was currency. Critical details arrived late, often within hours of the deadline and sometimes even after the deadline had already passed.
The result? Frequent fire drills, unnecessary stress (mostly mine), and a growing sense of helplessness.
I did what I could to work through it with my leader. I sought support directly. I even gained agreement verbally. Promises made, rarely kept. When nothing changed, I finally found the courage to speak up. Strategically, respectfully, diplomatically, and privately, I shared the situation with her leader and asked for his help.
What happened next still stays with me.
Instead of defensiveness, he responded with generosity. He shared not just what I needed to be successful for the project at hand. He shared context, strategy, and mentorship that helped me grow as a communicator and as a leader. That act of generosity changed the game for me.
What worked? By taking charge of the situation, I avoided the victim mentality. I was thoughtful, made a plan, and took action. And when my first attempt failed, I remembered something my grandmother would say, “There’s always two ways around a barn.”
2. When an inclusive leader fails to be inclusive
The second time was different. I worked with a leader who was brilliant, polished, and politically astute. She knew what she wanted and drove hard to achieve it. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with ambition, but when she didn’t get things her way, her “elbows got pointy,” as a colleague once put it.
The result? The environment was tense. Confidence evaporated. Frustration and fear flourished. Trust vanished.
While she managed up effectively, her team often operated in fire drill mode. The emotional toll was real. Ironically, I became a safe harbor for several members of her team. They came to me for clarity, direction at times, encouragement, and space to breathe. And though I wasn’t their direct leader and several outranked me on paper, I did what I could to support their mental and emotional well-being while contributing to their success by partnering on projects they led.
What worked? I focused on what I could control: my integrity, my example, and the light I could offer to those in a tough environment.
3. When a leader avoids delivering timely feedback
There are few absolutes in leadership, but here’s one: No employee should ever be surprised during their annual performance review. It’s called a review for a reason. Not a reveal!
Strong leaders deliver feedback, both positive and constructive, in real or near real time. They don’t wait until year’s end to unearth moments from March.
Historically, I consistently received “Exceeds Expectations” ratings from my leaders. However, in one particular year, my leader rated my performance as “Meets Expectations.” A respectable rating, one given to most employees.
After reviewing feedback from my partners and colleagues, compiling my own accomplishments, and conducting a thorough self-assessment, I believed I was still performing at a higher level—so the rating left me somewhat puzzled.
Let’s be clear. I welcome feedback. I believe it’s a gift and often proactively seek it throughout the year. Feedback contributes to continuous improvement and growth. It sometimes even uncovers blind spots that may be holding you back. In this case, however, some of the critique came as a surprise, and worse, the examples cited were nine months old!
Don’t React. Respond. After thoroughly reading “the review,” here’s part of what I said to my leader in response:
“First, thank you for your candor. I believe that feedback is the breakfast of champions, and this review provides me with food for thought that I’ll take very seriously. While most of the feedback was a review, there were things that took me by surprise… I would’ve appreciated that feedback to be timelier, so I could’ve addressed it and adjusted sooner.”
Further in that review, I was surprised to hear that my loyalty to the department was in question. I always aligned my work with our department priorities. The fact that my objectives were always based on department priorities, and I successfully achieved all of them spoke to that. While I supported other functions, not individual leaders, I built solid relationships with those leaders because they set the direction for the business and were an important voice to deliver key messages.
I didn’t dismiss the feedback. I leaned in. I didn’t offer excuses or challenge my leader’s opinion. I simply pointed out that the feedback could’ve been timelier. In my detailed response, I highlighted key moments where:
- Priorities shifted but that had not been made clear,
- Support had been promised at the time but later reframed as misalignment,
- Questions were raised about my commitment to department priorities, despite my clear track record and enterprise-wide approach that contributed to high levels of autonomy and trust.
Through it all, I stayed anchored in accountability, gratitude, and clarity. I closed the loop. I clarified intentions and committed to adjusting my approach—proactively, not passively.
What worked? I owned my growth, while respectfully naming what could’ve been handled better.
For Leaders Reading This…
- If you value your team, show it in real-time… especially with feedback that’s constructive.
- Avoid procrastination and have the courageous conversation.
- Don’t let frustration build for months before addressing it.
- Give feedback while it can still make a difference.
- Praise and correction land best in the moment, not in hindsight.
And if you’re the employee on the receiving end?
- Breathe… and respond. Don’t react.
- Remain open and grounded.
- And if needed, respectfully advocate for clarity and fairness.
Because whether you’re leading or being led, clarity is kindness—and timeliness is powerful.
5 Lessons from Leaders Who Shouldn’t Have Been
If you’re currently reporting to a poor leader, I see you. It’s not easy.
Some leaders, through no fault of their own, are simply in over their heads. The Peter Principle is real: people often rise to their level of incompetence. Others are perfectly competent, but lack warmth, self-awareness, or emotional intelligence. And some, unfortunately, hold onto power through fear, not trust.
But here’s the thing: You still have a choice. You can go through it, or you can grow through it. And while I don’t pretend it’s easy, there are a few things that helped me (and might help you, too):
1. Vent… but Don’t Get Stuck There
Yes, it’s okay to vent. In fact, it’s necessary (and perhaps even healthy) with a trusted mentor, a wise colleague, or someone outside your workplace.
That said, be mindful! Backbiting, even when justified, is a poison. It hurts not just the subject but the soul of the speaker. It saps your strength and keeps you stuck.
Speak your truth, then move toward what’s constructive: focus on what you can control and what you can do to improve the situation and protect your own well-being.
2. Observe, Learn, and Take Notes
Poor leaders teach us as much as great ones, provided we’re paying attention.
- What behaviors cause harm?
- What would you, as a leader, do differently?
- How might you handle conflict, communication, or inclusion in a way that builds trust rather than erodes it?
Take mental notes. Better, write them down. Organize them into a list of things “not to do.” You’re gathering wisdom for the leader you’re becoming.
3. Focus on What You Can Control
Even in difficult environments, you can:
- Lead with integrity
- Support others with kindness
- Keep your word and deliver what you promised
- Hold space for others and protect your own peace
Don’t let someone else’s insecurity and dysfunction compromise your character.
4. Find Allies, Build Bridges
If there’s a senior leader you trust, like I did in the first story, consider a respectful, solutions-focused conversation.
Sometimes, those who can help have a sense there’s a problem and may even be working on it. Others may simply not know there’s a problem. Either way, you might be surprised by their willingness to listen and support you.
If that’s not the case, it may be time for you to consider moving to a different role in an environment where you can thrive, not just survive.
5. Become the Leader You’d Want to Follow
That’s the real takeaway. No matter who you report to, you can become the leader you wish you had.
Be competent, courageous, clear, empathetic, and kind. Be someone who:
- Communicates well because they remember what it felt like to be left in the dark.
- Builds safety and inclusion because they’ve seen what happens when those things are missing.
- Uses power to elevate others, as opposed to protecting their position or shamelessly promoting themselves at the expense of others.
Parting Thoughts
You’re not powerless, even when it feels that way. You’re just gathering strength. Gaining clarity. Building character. And when you face tough situations, remember: you can either go through them or grow through them.
And when the day comes (and it will, sooner than you think) that others look to you for guidance, they’ll be glad you did.
Choose Growth and Lead with Light!
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