Article originally published on LinkedIn, Sep. 19, 2022
It’s a natural response. We see something that needs to be done or someone who is struggling, and we want to act. Several studies suggest that many of us are hard wired to be helpful, and there’s scientific evidence that indicates there are many positive side effects when we do. So, I’m not here saying we shouldn’t take action. I’m saying, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
For those lucky enough to be parents, you’ll be familiar with the situation where your child is struggling to achieve something. Learning doesn’t always come easy. Your natural tendency is to step in, lend a hand, make it easier, and reduce the pain and frustration. I believe the parents who give in to that tendency will likely find themselves and their children in the same situation time and again. The circumstances will be different, but the precedent is set. When I run into an obstacle or hardship, mom or dad will be there to overcome it for me.
Imagine Two Scenarios
In the first, the child comes to the parent and asks “how do you spell elephant?” The parent answers the question, letter by letter, E – L – E – P – H – A – N- T. In the second scenario, the parent takes the time to introduce the child to a dictionary. They look up and locate the word, together.
Later, the child in scenario one asks “how do you spell rhinoceros?” Again, parent one answers the question by spelling out “R – H – I – N – O – C – E – R – O –S.” Parent two accompanies the child to the dictionary where, together, they look up the word.
While parent one is saving time in the short run, their child will continue to ask them how to spell words well into the third grade or longer. The child of parent two, however, quickly learned that they could save time by simply going to the dictionary first.
For those who resist the urge to step in, and instead accompany or encourage rather than fix, you’re to be commended. It’s difficult. It takes time. But it’s the right thing to do. Looking in the rear-view mirror, you now see how you were developing a highly capable, strong, resilient, independent problem solver.
While the needs of those at work don’t tug on your heartstrings like your toddler struggling to walk, you may want to notice your first reaction when a request lands in your inbox: Yup… to help!
Your First Reaction
Your first reaction may be to say to yourself “this isn’t my job, but just this once,” or “what will they think of me if I don’t help?”
Whatever it is, the mental gymnastics you’re doing in your head aren’t productive. Instead, ask “who is better positioned to help or respond?” Consider if it – whatever “it” is – is the responsibility of another team or if it could be a growth opportunity for someone else on your team. My point here is, “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Yes, it might be more expedient or even easier to do it yourself. Whatever your response, you’re subconsciously training others. Give them the fast and easy answer or solution to their question or issue? Guess what, you’re their new “go-to.” That can feel good in the short run; however, it’s not sustainable. More importantly, it may be holding you back from spending time on what you truly desire.
I offer a caveat here. If the person asking you is your boss or higher, it’s in your best interest to be accommodating and provide the answer / solution as quickly as you’re able. That said, your boss is more interested in the answer / solution, not how they get it. There may be situations where time isn’t of the essence and a request presents an opportunity for a direct report to learn something new.
To be clear, I am a huge fan of being of service to others. And like any parent, it was painful whenever one of my kids faced a challenge. However, I’ve lived long enough and have enough experience to know that there are many ways to extend a hand. It’s always a judgement call, and I’m the first to admit I haven’t always made the right one; however, there are occasions when redirecting is better than responding, guiding is better than answering, and accompanying is better than doing.
What’s the bottom line?
By understanding “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should,” you can be purposeful and make more thoughtful and intentional decisions about how you spend your most-precious, nonrenewable resource – time.