Lessons in Trust and Talk and Why Your Message Isn’t Landing
We all want our messages to land as intended. Yet, the real work isn’t in the words. It’s in the relationship that carries them.
Words travel at the speed of trust. Competence cracks coconuts; curiosity earns entry to the peach’s core.
— Al Viller, a seasoned communications professional, virtue-driven leader, coach, and cancer survivor
My “Coconut” Moment in Paris
Years ago, I worked closely with colleagues in France. Early on, our interactions felt formal and contained. While meetings ran on time, conversations were professional, and emails were crisp. We kept the conversation focused on the work. No family chat. No weekend stories. It was professional and respectful. While I wouldn’t say it was cold, it felt a bit sterile.
Time did its quiet work. Deliverable by deliverable, we built reliability. Trust grew. When my visit extended over a weekend, a colleague would invite me on a walk through the streets of Paris complete with a light meal at a café.
One day, an invite arrived to dinner at a team member’s home. I met their children. Laughter replaced formality. The warmth and hospitality was genuine. The conversation was real, The connection heartfelt. Beneath a tough outer shell was warmth, joy, and deep loyalty. Like a coconut—hard to open, sweet inside.
The “Peach” Realization in Georgia
Fast forward to life in Georgia, USA. Here, greetings come easy. “Hi y’all! How are you?” People smile. Conversations start soft and friendly. But people rarely answered with much more than “Fine” or “Busy!” It’s all on the surface, like “How’s the weather?”
As I got to know folks better, I noticed something: the deeper center—the values, the tough opinions, the real concerns—were more difficult to reach. People are more reserved, even distrustful and guarded, at their core. Like a peach—soft outside, difficult to penetrate the center inside.
A Quick, Crucial Caveat
Coconuts and peaches are metaphors used for illustrative purposes, not labels for people. Cultures, regions, and teams are different and dynamic. Generalities and stereotyping shuts curiosity down and erodes trust. Please use “peaches and coconuts” as a lens, never as a box.
Inclusivity is the cornerstone of consensus. That’s why it’s important to value every voice. Involve your team and leaders in the process. Encourage them to share their thoughts and perspectives. When you ask someone a question, you’re demonstrating that you value their opinion and want to hear what they have to say. Asking questions builds trust and rapport, as the other person feels heard and respected.
Diversity isn’t just about race, gender or sexual orientation. It’s also about diversity of thought. Additionally, diverse viewpoints often lead to innovative solutions.
What This Means for Communicators
Professional communicators don’t just transmit information. We speak on behalf of leaders and employees and are stewards of their trust. And trust forms differently across cultures, organizations, contexts, and teams.
Some groups start warm, then guard the core until you earn it. Others start reserved, then open wide once you’ve proven you’re dependable and can be trusted.
If we ignore that rhythm, our best plans stall. The message isn’t the only thing that matters; the readiness of the relationship matters too.
Two Playbooks: Crack the Coconut, Reach the Peach Pit
1. When you’re working with “coconuts”
- Lead with competence. Show you prepared, listened, and understood the brief. Reliability opens doors.
- Match the frame. Use clear structure, documented decisions, and precise follow-ups.
- Invest in consistency. Keep promises small and keep them all. Momentum earns warmth.
- Invite, don’t pry. Share a bit of yourself first. Let others reciprocate at their pace.
2. When you’re working with “peaches”
- Welcome the friendliness. Meet warmth with warmth. Build rapport without rushing the heavy stuff.
- Ask level-up questions. “What would make this a win for you?” moves you toward the core. If they think something is a 7 out of 10, ask “What would make this a 9 for you?”
- Surface stakes early. Clarify constraints, risks, and decision rights with gentle transparency.
- Return to the core. Revisit assumptions once trust forms: “What haven’t we said yet that we need to?”
Map Your Message to Their Readiness
Before you launch, check the relationship stage:
- Connection: Are we exchanging names and niceties, or do we know priorities and pain points?
- Credibility: Have we delivered together yet? Do they trust our judgment under pressure?
- Clarity: Do we agree on the Audience Desired Outcomes—what they need to know, feel, and do?
- Cadence: Do they prefer crisp briefs, or conversational walk-throughs? Do they want decisions live or in writing?
Your answer to these questions guides your approach: the tone of your kickoff, the order of your talking points, whether you lead with data or story, and how quickly you ask for a decision.
Practical Moves You Can Use Today
Here are four practical ideas that you can use today!
Lead with curiosity. “What does a good outcome look like from your seat?”
Mirror the medium. If they write tight emails, send tight emails. If they book working sessions with little or no time for pleasantries, show up prepared to begin work straightaway.
Stage the ask. Don’t rush for a “yes” when the relationship is still forming. Be patient. Gain small agreements that build to the big one.
Name the shift. “We started friendly; now let’s go deeper.” Calling it in plain language helps everyone pivot together. An even better, more thoughtful, approach is asking permission; “May we go deeper?”
Parting Thoughts
As I reflect on these words, a few insights come to mind:
- Relationship readiness determines message velocity. Build the bridge before you drive the truck. You can increase trust by being trustworthy. As you gain higher levels of trust, you can increase your pace.
- Curiosity is a kindness. It turns differences into data you can use for the benefit of all.
- Consistency compounds. Earn trust in inches (or centimeters), then you can communicate in miles (or meters).
If this resonated or you learned something someone else might find valuable, please share it with a colleague who’s navigating cross-team dynamics.
For more content like this, please subscribe to alviller.com (below) and explore my posts on communication, leadership and life.
Be clear. Be kind. Lead with Light! ✨
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